I have had the pleasure of “meeting” an author, Susan Heim, who has written a couple of books on parenting multiples. She is also the former senior editor for the bestselling “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series, which I LOVE and have several of! She found my blog through my previous post titled “Online Communities” in which I lamented that parenting books didn’t contain any useful information about parenting multiples. After checking out her site and her blog, I found a great post by her on self-depricating speech habits. She linked to a fascinating article in the October 2007 issue of Redbook titled “Are Your Words Holding You Back?”
I must admit that I am guilty of doing some of the things this article says are no-no’s. For instance, using the word “like” in your sentence.
You can thank the beat generation of half a century ago for launching the popularity of this little word (as in, “Like, wow!”). These days it’s used as a substitute for “said” (“I was like, ‘Get out of here!’”), to soften what you say (“I make, like, a decent salary”), and as a filler (“I went, like, to the mall, and it was, like, so crowded”).
With its hipster image, “like” tries to pass itself off as cool, but it’s a nonword, like “um” and “uh.” Plus, “using ‘like’ makes you sound inarticulate and young — in a bad way,” says Diane DiResta, author of Knockout Presentations. So ditch it — you’ll sound less tentative (read: way cooler) without it.
I don’t use this in my sentences like I used to when I was a teenager, but I do still use it on occasion. Generally when I’m in the company of family or close friends.
How about the “Oops, sorry, my bad” phrase so commonly used today? I knew I was using this too much when the twins started using it. They don’t say it too often, but I just have to chuckle when they do. It’s so darn cute! Beyond it being cute (for their 6 year old vocabulary, that is), what is it saying about us when we use it?
Women always seem to be on hyper-alert for reasons to apologize: We beg someone’s pardon when we’re not sure we heard them correctly or when we lose our train of thought. We ask forgiveness for our messy house when someone drops by unannounced (as if we should have had it spotless, waiting for them). Heck, if we “inconvenience” another woman by reaching for a shirt on a store rack at the same moment that we think she’s reaching for it, we say, “Sorry!”
I see myself in so much of this. I am forever appologizing for my house not being spotless, for a few dishes in the sink, or when my boys are being boys. It’s that whole measure of expectations thing. I can’t possibly know if I am meeting someones expectations but I go ahead and say that I’m sorry, anyway, as if something I did (or didn’t do) might upset them. It is suggested in the article that we abandon the passive “sorry” for a more active “I appologize.” Instead of saying “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that” we should try substituting “Could you please repeat that?” A novel idea, and one I will try to implement.
The biggest self-defeating word or phrase that I, personally, use, is “I think.” It’s in a lot of my blog posts, and it’s something I use a lot in my daily conversations.
Linguistics experts call this phrasing “a hedge.” Knowingly or not, you’re likely counting on those “I thinks” to help you hedge your bets and play it safe. After all, you’ve just implied that you might not be up to the task (of completing the project, helping, or supplying a tasty dinner). The result: Some people will get fed up with you for never committing yourself wholeheartedly. And others may tune you out because “I think” is a needless addition to the sentence (well, of course you think the thought — you’re the one saying it).
So why do we say these things? Good question. There’s a simple answer.
“When girls are growing up, they learn that other girls won’t like them if they act as if they’re better than other people or as if their ideas are better than anyone else’s,” explains linguist Deborah Tannen, author of I Only Say This Because I Love You. “They learn that there’s a social value to downplaying their ideas.”
Ah, yes. That societal thing again. I’ll save that subject for another time and place. For now, what can we do to change our self-defeating words? Follow these steps:
Pick one word, phrase, or other negative speech habit to focus on at a time.
Spend several days noticing when, and around whom, you use it. Maybe you get rattled around salespeople or competitive coworkers. If you know who sets you off, you can prepare yourself beforehand for what you’re not going to say — and what you’ll say instead.
Share your goal with a friend or two. You may well discover that she has the same problem; then it becomes something you two can conquer together.
Ask one of those pals to give you a signal (say, a raised eyebrow) every time you use a self-deprecating phrase to increase your awareness of that habit and eventually short-circuit it.
Leave yourself some reminders of the shift in phrasing you want to make. Example: Put a Post-it on your day planner that says, “Here’s my idea…” so you’ll say that instead of “I’m sure this is a dumb idea, but….”
Record yourself (1) using the word or phrase in all its awfulness and (2) restating the same thought in the desired way. You’ll train your ear and speed up the process of learning the new speech habit.
Remind yourself — aloud, to reinforce the message to your brain — ”I want to stop saying X because I want people I meet to stop dismissing my thoughts.”
Be patient. It takes about a month to change a behavior, so don’t let slipups deter you.
I encourage you to check out the whole article and read about the other words and phrases we use that demean our worth. Perhaps you will learn something about yourself that you didn’t know, and be able to change it for the better.
Sphere: Related Content General, blogging | No Comments »
